Saturday, April 13, 2013

The 10 Stupidest Mockbusters EVER

Mockbusters are the bootleg equivalents of the movie world, except that they manage to tightrope around legal accusations. They exploit the ignorance of certain moviegoers (parents who don't care what their kids watch, senile grandmothers, etc) into buying knockoff versions of blockbusters. Most mockbusters are released around the same time a popular film is in theaters or just before it hits the home video market. They are cheaply made and often have little to do with the film they are piggybacking save for the basic premise. Unfortunately, mockbusters are doing better than ever due to sites such as Netflix and Hulu.

Just how bad are they? Well....they are often reviewed by shows such as Mystery Science Theater 3000 and are quickly becoming more infamous than B movies, which should set off red flags. So to inform people of the awfulness of mockbusters, here are ten of the worst I have had the (dis)pleasure of watching. 'Enjoy!'

10. Tappy Toes 

Happy Feet was already a cliche enough film about preachy, singing penguins. This movie doesn't even have an IMB page, presumably to keep people from leaving bad reviews on it. Brought to you from the 'brilliant' company, Renegade Animation (which states on its website to bring you "smart, funny, and always original" productions), Tappy Toes is not even what it appears to be on the cover. The film is not done in CGI, but animated in cheaply in Flash. It is about a dancing penguin who is raised by two Skua Birds who eat their own boogers. Seriously. 

9. Age of the Hobbits

Technically, this movie has been renamed Clash of the Empires because it actually sounded similar enough to Peter Jackson's film to provoke a lawsuit. Given that it was released by The Asylum, this perhaps is not too surprising. The company's founder David Michael Latt once said, 

 "I'm not trying to dupe anybody. I'm just trying to get my films watched. Other people do tie-ins all the time; they’re just better at being subtle about it. Another studio might make a giant robot movie that ties into the Transformers release and call it Robot Wars. We’ll call ours Transmorphers."

What an honest man! His vast insights sure make appreciate the artistry and acting in Age of the Hobbits a lot more!

8. Ratatoing

Video Brinquedo is the Brazilian animation equivalent of The Asylum. All of its productions bare an uncanny resemblance to several Dreamworks, Disney, and Pixar films. Ratatoing is perhaps the most infamous of all due to its awkward dialogue and very bad animation. So much so, that it was even parodied on a Cartoon Network show. Currently, Ratatoing has a three percent approval rate on Rotten Tomatoes. Impressive. 

7. The Little Panda Fighter

The Little Panda Fighter is another Video Brinquedo monstrosity. Instead of wanting to become a kung fu panda, however, this one wants to be ballerina... and spends much of his time creepily staring at the audience like on the box art above. He also fights an evil Care Bear at one point. One thing is for sure, after watching this film, anyone can learn to better appreciate the animation that comes out of well known studios (and how they avoid the uncanny valley). 

6. Kiara the Brave

Don't be fooled. This movie has very little at all to do with the similarly named Pixar film. It is actually an Indian film called Super K repackaged to look like Brave. The plot follows a boy with superpowers and his quest to save the galaxy. Too bad for all the little girls who were hoping to see a movie about a plucky princess! The Youtube tailer has its comments disabled, so they can not even voice their disappointment. 

5. Life's a Jungle

Here is film which in no way resembles Madagascar! Still not convinced? Well, it comes with a free downloadable activity kit. Also, here's a fun game kids! Let's play how to spot the uncanny valley again! Note: We are not responsible for any nightmares this production may cause. 

4. The Secret of Mulan

Disney's Mulan and Pixar's A Bugs Life came out during the same year. So somebody decided to release a cartoon with both of them combined. In this version, Caterpillar Mulan fights an evil Hun cockroach and must win the affection of a butterfly prince. The screenwriter's credits include the likes of Jem, Dork Hunters from Outer Space, and Kong: The Animated Series

3. Sunday School Musical

What's worse than High School Musical? The Asylum's Sunday School Musical! Made on the high budget of $8,100, it is guaranteed to offend Christians everywhere. Critics on IMDB are saying, "If a movie is still awful drunk, you know it's a bad film" and, "It's a good laugh if you can appreciate it for what it is - total crap".   

2. The Amazing Bulk

Easily the most unintentionally hilarious mockbuster on this list, The Amazing Bulk fails on every level to be scary or suspenseful. It's a hybrid between a superhero story and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The producers were so lazy that all of the CGI props stick out like a sore thumb and the green screen is the worst in a motion picture that I have ever seen. Don't get me started on the acting. It looks like a parody on Saturday Night Live

Prepare to laugh or cry, you cannot escape the horribleness of this movie. 

1. Titanic the Animated Movie (Both Versions)

The two animated Titanic movies have become semi-legendary on the internet due to how absolutely bonkers they are. The first one, Titanic: The Legend Goes on, involves a rapping dog, Yiddish mice, and love interests that have about three lines of dialogue a piece. The second, The Legend of the Titanic, is even worse. Here the titanic is not sunk by an iceberg, but by gangster sharks and a giant octopus. It also has dolphins that can communicate with people by crying moonbeams. In both versions, none of the characters die except for the villains. This is so insulting to all of those who died on the real Titanic. It would be like if Disney decided to make an Anne Frank movie.

There is a rapping dog on the Titanic. This is the real tragedy.